So about a month ago, I was convinced I was pregnant.
We weren't trying by any stretch of the imagination--I had been a bit haphazard at the time of day I took my trusty blue pill, and I just felt weird. So the first two weeks of my semester were spent taking test after test and scouring online message boards to compare symptoms. Now, I normally have a fake scare once a year or so, but this one felt real. And terrifying.
We are not ready, the house has not been painted, we are broke, but we can see a light at the end of the proverbial tunnel--things were falling in place, and I was convinced something very much out of place had happened.
I felt like a scared 16-year-old, not the 28-year-old, married-for-four-years person I am. I had just come to peace with our timeline and actually imagining being parents someday, but not now. I was obsessed, overwhelmed, and scared. I was not the sophisticated lady I imagined myself being when we were trying to conceive.
I finally went to the doctor, and as I was waiting to get my blood taken, I started my period.
And then I started crying.
I called Andy, and we were both utterly confused at my reaction. I suppose I'd just convinced myself, and figured it would work out, and then it wasn't true.
Why do these things have to be so scary?
I look around me, and many of my peers are on their second, even third babies, and everyone seems to have their shit together. I feel so dumbfounded by these people. I know, I know, everything's not as it seems... but seriously, our neighbor just dropped off some pickles his wife had made (I'd given them some pepper jelly and blackberry-peach sauce), and I was *horrified* that he was getting a glimpse into our slovenly home. The items strewn around our house, and the laundry baskets and dirty dishes are nothing short of a David Sedaris essay ("Nuit of the Living Dead," to be exact).
Since the August freak-out, we've talked a great deal and are considering moving up our timeline. Since then, I've had significant opportunities presented to me (which I've taken) for the nonprofits I volunteer with, and school is becoming better and busier every semester.
How do people do this? I'm scared we won't make it back to Europe before it happens, I'm scared our finances won't be in order enough before it happens, I'm scared I won't be a good instructor or volunteer when it happens, I'm scared... I'm scared it won't happen when we want it to happen.
But, for now, I'll just keep trying to be a grown-up as best I can, and hope the rest falls into place.
Hey Leigh - Isn't it funny how a "scare" can make your whole worldview change? Let me reassure you that no matter how prepared anyone else you know seems, or how together they seem to have their shit, or how much more mature in every sense of the word they seem - they really aren't any more prepared for a tiny human being in their life than you are. For real.
ReplyDeleteWhen I found out I was pregnant with Henry, it probably took me at least 4 months of pregnancy before I could really accept it. On the drive into Washington to tell my parents, I was terrified. I was for sure that I had done something wrong and they were going to be really pissed at me. And I was a 28 year old, married for 6 years, professionally employed adult woman, too. Yet I felt like I was no more ready or qualified to be preggo that a teenager.
So, Henry just kind of "happened" thanks to my own poor compliance with pills. After the dust started to settle from having him (or maybe we just got used to living in dust?) we decided we were ready for another. We thought that since H just "happened" that if we actually wanted to get pregnant, it would happen in a blink.
Uh, not so much as we learned over a 10 month process of monthly disappointments.
You and your family will happen and you and Andy will be fine. If you were pregnant right now, you would be okay. Really, you would.
It will be scary. Every day. For the rest of your life. But also the most amazing thing you could ever experience. Every day (or at least parts of every day). For the rest of your life.
Oh Emily, thank you so much for the reply--how beautiful. Save that. I will too.
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